Feeling

I’m eight posts into this blog, and I have a problem. People want feelings, not analysis. Well, not all people… But generally, yes, people want to be moved, not lectured to. And my writing leans towards lecturing.

The problem is, I don’t feel much. How can I express feelings when I don’t feel much?

But am I certain I don’t feel something? What will happen, I wonder, if I sit still and pay attention for a minute? What feelings will come up?

Despair. Because I feel so disconnected from my feelings sometimes. I’m a twentieth-century man wanting to move on to the twenty-first century—and struggling with the journey.

Embarrassment. I feel embarrassed to express my feelings, especially to the internet. But here’s a principle of writing: the more embarrassed you feel writing something, the more interesting and helpful it will be for others.

Pride. I have come a long way. I know myself well. I’m getting better at feeling my feelings. I’m getting better at writing.

That last emotion contradicts the first. Not because I’m irrational or silly but because I’m a full, mature human being. I have lots of feelings, even contradictory feelings. But if I believe I can’t contradict myself, if I feel my readers have no tolerance for complexity and nuance, then yeah, it will be hard to express my feelings. It will be easier to analyze and dissect the world outside than to feel and express the messy stew inside.

But I’m laughing now. Delight is my new feeling, delight at the challenge of expressing my emotions, delight at the sudden recollection that many people (most?) will love me for being open, not shun me.

I love writing. It has carried me a long way.